Child well-being

Question

Hello Wefugees,

I took your advice and went to see a Family Advisor. My ex Partner comes too because they are advising the both of us to be able to peacefully cooparent.

I must say that it hasn't been successful because, he never goes by what's agreed on.
He also comes to lie a lot about things that doesn't even matter to cover up his faults.

He also doesn't pay attention to the child when he picks the child up to spend time with her. The last time the child was coughing so bad and asked if he could get cough medicine for her when he is out with her. He didn't and when he returned with the child, her cough was so bad that she couldn't breath very well so rushed her to the hospital. He knew it, didn't check up and the KinderÄrtzin is always complaining that my Ex-Partner is not paying the medical bills. My daughter's insurance is private cos of the Dad. Same with me, he never pay back the Money I use to buy medicine for the child after he gets the payment from the insurance company.  
Aside that, for 2years now he has never been to the KinderÄrtzin with our child.

This Thursday,  which is Yesterday, he took the child out, came back with her and the back of the head was swollen. I asked what happened,  he said the child was jumping and the fell.
Considering all his lies and being physically with me twice, I dont know what to believe.  

I don't feel it safe giving the child to him to spend time alone with her because the child is not even at the age where she can tell everything that happened when she was with the Dad.

When the child hurt the head, he didn't take the child to the hospital for a check or even inform me immediately.  So I took the child to the hospital for a check up and I couldn't narrate exactly what happened because I wasn't there. All I needed was for her to be checked if she was ok or not.
I informed the him that I was taking her to the hospital,  he got angry with me because he claimed the fall wasn't bad. But a toddler with such a swell at the back of the head needed a check regardless.

He requested for an urgent appointment from the Family advisor because I took the child to the hospital or whatever reason he has. Yet to know.
Now we have an appointment on Monday.
He is to spend time with the child on Sunday and this day was agreed on with the family advisor at a particular location.
Now he wants to see the child on Sunday but at a different location and he sends the family advisor an email,  put me on copy, that if I don't give the child to him on Sunday he will no longer go for the family advise.
The child is hurt, he is not asking how the child is doing. It's just about he exercising his rights.
Not even considering that the child's doctor says she needs to be monitored closely after the fall and if all is ok by Monday she can go back to the Kita.
I asked that he spends time with the child after the meeting on Monday but he still insists.
I am really worried about the child's wellbeing because I don't trust my ex Partner. I don't know if what he said happened to the child is the truth or he hurt the child himself.  No one can tell and he never admit his wrong doing.  He rather defend himself with so many lies.  I want to take this matter to the court or the jugendamt. The family advisor is good but he is not taking them seriously. My child's safety is at stake. Do i even have a chance of getting the 50 percent custody back? Please advise me!

Answer 1

Hi. l am sorry you are going through this. l am in the same situation but the father doesn't want anything to do with the child. He is narcissist and l believe the same with your ex partner.

Just reading your story l consider myself lucky because l didn't share custody with him. Such people will drive you insane and want you to loose the child. He is on the wrong side but the more you try to explain this to Jugendamt they will not act but to ask you to fix your issues or go to court. He is emotionally abusing you which is not ideal for your mental state. One day he will use this to his advantage.

 Urgently get a family lawyer before he does. Also documenting everything that you have from him or your child and give your lawyer. All the best my sister.

Answer 2

The worst mistake I have ever made in my entire life is believing his lies and giving him custody to the child whilst not married. I will continue to take the necessary steps to protect the child. I have no doubts that he is a narcissist.
Am man that cheats and says am not sorry for my actions because it serves me happiness.
But it's just melt my heart to see how happy the child is when she comes back from spending time with the Dad and that makes me want to find a way to be peaceful with him but set boundaries regardless, just for the child. On the other hand, he might hurt the child one day cos he is aggressive and cannot control his anger.
Congrats for not giving your child dad custody,  I wish I did the same.

Comments

Hey. Just exactly what l went through.Upon reading your story, l paused and laughed because l said the same thing to myself. l blame myself. This man came as angel and made me believe in love. He acted like he is a family man but NO he dumped me when l was pregnant and denied the pregnancy. Never showed up at the hospital. l had to beg him for months to see the child. He refused to acknowledge paternity or to freely have DNA. He blocked me for a year. The court summoned him for paternity test thought it took me a year but that process of waiting is what drove me to not share custody with him. He is heartless and if he decides to take me to court, l will still fight and ask him to write one reason why  l should grant him that. According to the law an unmarried woman automatically has custody and unless she agrees on paper to share then its 50/50. Even if l am to die l will rather have my child be taken by the government and not the father. I even fear the thought of giving him the child for a visit but he has no heart. l wouldn't want my child to be abused. We have no contact and he shows no sympathy or remorse for this. l fought depression and healed. l told myself,  l will take him as a sperm donor because that is how is he treats us. My child loves the dad but the child doesn't know him except pictures. Lastly he wrote me last month and l never replied him even with his insults and didn't say anything and that drives him crazy. l will never talk to him. I feel at peace sharing this secret on this platform because nobody in my family or friends knows what l went through with this man. l am forever thankful to the Court and Jugendamt for helping me. I was not alone they saw my struggles. Even today they support me with the well being of my child.

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Thanks for sharing.
For me, I had no reason not to give him custody.
I believed him with all my heart.
He played his cards so well.
Never encountered a man that can lie so well and defend the lies with another lie and make it seem like truth.
Am on holidays and can't even enjoy it cos my mind is full of what can I do to protect myself and my child.